Paradigm Shift

When I married JMN. I told him I hold the responsibility of  all my family. Every couple of months I would lie awake at night crying about that day. Because thats a huge weight in my shoulder. I have never been able it seems to not carry a large responsibility. Im not sure why that is. I was talking to a friend last night 7.23 and she was telling me " you've always had this respectable amount of life to juggle. And somehow you have been able to do it without neglecting yourself."

 I feel like I  have gotten to that point where I am now neglecting myself . I think with my gg in the hospital I have forgotten to take care of myself because everyone expects me to take care of them. Yesterday I got 8-10 calls and 3 text messages from my gma . Not that what she was calling about wasn't important. But she expects me to answer the phone. She expects me to control the room when I am present. She sits back and allows me to. When you are 10 years old its fun to be an " adult", but when you are an adult with all of the responsibilities I have sometimes I just want to run away from it all.

I wonder if I was the screw up of the family if I would be able to escape it all?

My gma is going to have to move in with us. In my deepest of hearts I am okay with that. I pray that it will draw us closer. I pray that I will learn more. I pray she will respect mine an JMNs boundaries On the selfish tip. I pray that we can co exist for decades. I pray that she can raise my child just like I was raised. I see/ hear what goes on in those daycares and I don't want any part of it.
I pray peace, protection, kind words. and understanding hearts for my family. And Ill appreciate it if my fellow creepers could pray those same prayers too.

The change of friendships

Friendships have always meant a lot to me. Due to family squabbles I don't have family that I can hang out with . So my friends are my family . And since I am a pretty guarded person the people I pick are pretty significant to my life .

I don't use friend loosely and I don't use love loosely by any means ... Ask someone !

When I lose  a friend it's pretty devastating . The first friend  who walked out of my life happened my 2nd year of college. I can't tell you why or if I did anything but at one moment we were friends and the next day we were nothing . There were some happy birthday texts in between but they were mainly me trying to patch things together which never happened. 

A lot of y'all know my friend Creep. Creep and I went through about 2 1/2 years  of hard times which thankfully ended in me calling a mutual friend getting her number and crying on the phone for about an hour .

Most recently I have friends I use to be close to like see every day or talk on the phone every day .We live in the same town and I haven't seen them in like 4-6 months . It's a little depressing .

I realized that I was doing a little more reaching out than they did. So when I decided to take a step back I realized that my relationships were Me driven. That's never a good feelings. Then you have to give in count of the ones who get married and have children. Once someone pops out a kid it ALL changes. But is that my fault for being a 27 year old with no child? So interactions with me are even slimmer? Uh I don't know..
Oh don't make me mention "friends who only want to see you at birthday celebrations, and bars." I haven't been to the bar in a year. Is this what adulthood looks like?

Did I mention that my 3 top friends in LIFE live in TX. Like WTH!

Okay I guess I just needed to vent. I am not down with change. I am not down with giving and not receiving anything. I am also not down with friends who get married or get in a relationship and forget an entire flock of friends.  YUP
 Its my blog ill whine if I want to.